What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 11:32
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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I write beautiful poetry .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I have no regrets .
My life is so biszare .
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She loved him until the end.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I don,t even have a pension.
Comes on , in middle age.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
We were not on the streets..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
This is soul school!.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She was in good health!
Would this be the day?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And i lived it daily.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So whats the point in blame.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One cannot live in the past .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As i do to all so called friends.?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But it wasn’t much.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He knew the spot.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Ive learnt so much.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So, i spoilt her more .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
What did i know ?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was seconnd youngest,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She found it foreign!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was scared of men, in general
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My family never makes their pension either.
She wouldn,t have been !
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Put me off passion for life!!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She married twice! .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Who then, do I blame.?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Especially a lifetime of it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I couldn’t, believe it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im still living with it.
I think the readers, may guess!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I will be 64.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was very sick at this time too.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
When she asked me how she looked .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It was going to be , some day.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But, we were locked up after school.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We all went to grammer schools
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was 9 years of age.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I waited trembling.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
All the time i was locked up.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I said to her
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.